Can you believe that a couple can achieve 100% of s3xual satisfaction if they so wish? During an interview with Christian s3x therapists, Clifford and Joyce Penner, e-Harmony founder Neil Clark Warren asked, “What percentage of couples can attain a mutually satisfying s3xual relationship?” The Penners respond, “Attaining a high level of s3xual satisfaction with each other.”
Couples often ask us how they can keep the excitement in s3x. Our answer: Stay connected. Being connected body-to-body and heart-to-heart is what makes s3x fulfilling and fun. Here are 13 ways you and your spouse can have more passion.
- Kiss intensely and passionately
Do you remember the kind of kissing you did when you first fell in love? Do you still kiss that deeply and passionately? Rediscover passionate kissing. Take your time. Enjoy the touch and taste of each other’s lips. The burning sensation is terrific.
- Laze around in the afterglow
Delight in the closeness you feel after having s3x. Stay in each other’s arms. Tell your spouse how good it felt and how much you love him or her. This is one of the most intimate as a couple.
- Become a scholar of your partner’s s3xual zones
Seven erogenous zones have become a hot cake. They are the nipples of both spouses, the breast of your spouse, the earlobes of both spouses, the groin of both spouses, the penis and scrotum of the man, the vulva of the woman, the clitoris of the woman, the not-open-to-discussion ‘G spot’ of the woman. Even if no other places responded to your touches, these once are ever-ready-to-stimulation-sure-spots. A woman has more erogenous zones than just her breasts and vagina. Explore with her, and discover where she is most responsive. Kiss, stroke, or caress each body part. Ask: “How does this feel? Does it make you tingle? What would make you feel even ‘tinglier’ – if I caressed less or more?” Remember that although it is good to work toward a climax, the journey is pretty unbelievable too, and highly rewarding.
- Appreciate a wife’s definition of satisfaction
“ don’t get it,” a husband told me at a restaurant. “ I do everything I can think of in bed, but my wife doesn’t usually have an orgasm.”
“Does that bother your wife I asked?”
“No. She seems content. I don’t get that either.”
“That’s because many women are still satisfied with s3x, even when they don’t have an orgasm.”
This husband stared blankly at me. “Huh?
Husbands, if you want to satisfy your wife, shift your definition of satisfaction. Of course, wives love to climax (who does not?), but they can enjoy the lovemaking experience even when they do not reach that place.
Many women enjoy the sensuality of cuddling, kissing, and touching every bit as much as they enjoy the thrill of a climax. Women’s s3xual pleasure occurs on many levels other than simply orgasm.
- Know, admit, and value s3xual peaks
Most men reach their s3xual peak in their late teens or early twenties. Most women reach theirs a decade or more later. Often when a woman is in her thirties and forties her s3xual desire becomes stronger, sometimes insatiable. Moreover, as a man ages, his emotional side increases. Through each stage, couples grow and learn more about each other and become more patient and sensitive to each other’s needs. This is God’s blessing to us because it allows a couple’s s3x life greater longevity and duration.
- Recognize the different kinds of s3x
So often, couples feel the pressure to have “perfect” s3x – complete with earthquakes, fireworks, and multiple orgasms. It is not every time you have s3x that there will be a “bell ringer”; and that is okay because you are both connecting. Sometimes s3x will be a quickie to meet the need of the moment. Sometimes it could be functional s3x or just s3x. Sometimes, when you are not in the mood, you could have it simply because your spouse needs you at that moment. Sometimes it may be comfort s3x; when life has brought devastation, the only comfort and security you find are in the arms of your spouse as a lover. You will be ahead when you understand that the different kinds of s3x point to the ultimate reason for s3x: the relationship. The goal is not whether you end with a climax. The goal is that you are connected as a couple.
- Just make passionate s3x the main kind
Do not rush. In a s3x survey we conducted recently, we asked women what they hated about s3x. Rushed s3x ranked number five. When you have a solid foundation and have spent years growing together and discovering more s3xual tips, then you would want to have a lot of variety. Nevertheless, a woman who is repeatedly unsatisfied, who senses that her husband’s pleasure always comes before hers, can feel used and empty. She wants to experience the whole spectrum of s3x – the physical, emotional, spiritual, and relational. This is not to say rushed or quickie s3x is wrong. Still, s3x should not be rushed all the time. That would be like eating nothing but fast food. Going through the local fast food drive–through for a chili dog and onion rings every occasionally is not a problem, but your health would suffer if you did it at every meal. Make your goal pleasurable s3x that satisfies both of you.
- Communicate what type of s3x you need
If you think you are going to have a quickie and your spouse is expecting a long, passionate encounter, both of you will probably end up frustrated. Clarify your expectations. Women need to prepare mentally for s3x. If a wife knows she is headed for quickie s3x, she can mentally prepare for that, including the realization that she may not climax. Most of the time the woman will still enjoy s3x, even if she does not have the same outcome as her husband.
- Become skilled at your spouse’s s3xual triggers
We often joke about his-and-hers triggers. Usually, we say that men have one s3xual trigger: everything. Women are a bit more complex. Though, seriously, because men are more visually stimulated, a man can become aroused by seeing his wife naked, undressing, or wearing something provocative. Typically, women are not that way. Therefore, a husband needs to discover what his wife’s s3xual triggers are.
A wife may be a “touch me” girl: she likes hugs and caresses. She may be a “tell me” girl: she likes affirmation and verbal foreplay. She may be a “listen to me and share with me” girl: she opens up after connecting with her husband through conversation. She may be a “doing” girl: she appreciates it when he picks up messes and helps with housework. She may be a “spiritual food” girl: she becomes open to s3x after connecting with him through prayer, reading Scripture, and discussing spiritual matters.
- Practice the fine art of admiration
There is a part of each of us that likes it when our mate is happy with our performance, insight, or advice. We long to hear, “You did a good job,” or “You’ve worked so hard this week; I want to take you out for dinner so you don’t have to cook.” Sincere verbal appreciation motivates us. Overwhelm your spouse with appreciation, and watch s3xual desire increase.
- Make each other a priority
Multitudes of s3x therapists and marriage counselors name fatigue as the number one enemy of s3xual intimacy. When couples are worn out, s3x is one of the first things to go. If s3x enters our minds – even fleetingly – we think, “I’d really like to have s3x, but when I do have the time and the energy?”
We can push s3x to the side and claim it is “just for a season.” Yet, pretty soon, that season turns into a pattern. That is when it becomes ingrained in the heart and we become blind to what we are doing. Of all s3xual issues, exhaustion is the one over which we have the most control. How you may ask? By reprioritizing, working less, saying no to outside activities that do not further the marriage, or asking for help. Carve out time each week just to relax and have fun with each other.
Grab your calendars, sit down with your spouse, and talk through your schedules. Ask each other the questions: What is an absolute priority? What feels like an absolute priority but really isn’t? What can we get rid of, at least for now? What is the best day to set aside as a time for just the two of us to have s3x, to have fun, and enjoy each other? Get yourselves back to remembering, oh yeah! This is really fun!
- Say “Why not?”
Give yourself permission to enjoy s3x. Be open to pleasing your lover. Take on a “Why not?” attitude.
- Keep practicing enthusiastically!
S3x stirs the craving for more s3x. Lovemaking elevates the brain chemicals associated with desire. Therefore, as we decide to have s3x and find we enjoy our time of lovemaking, our libidos increase, often leading to an increased yearning to have s3x more often. What could be more fun and exciting than that?
I have had gas and bloating for almost 3 weeks now. Seems no matter what I eat I get gas and a gurgling stomach, I have taken so many medications. This is more alarming each time I am making love with my spouse.
Excess gas problems in spite of taking all these medications can be caused by any of the following factors.
Stomach flu or viral infection is the most common cause if this is related to the viral infection; you should see gradual improvement over the next 2 weeks. Another possibility can be lactose intolerance. This can be checked by eliminating the dairy products and seeing if that improves your symptoms. The next possibility can be a gallbladder problem –which can present like gas symptoms without any stomach pain sometimes. An ultrasound and liver function test will help to diagnose this. Please watch your diet.
Your diet should contain a moderate amount of dietary fibers.
Initially, you should cook your vegetables well to make the fibers soluble for easy digestion. Avoid meat, fish, chicken, eggs as much as possible.
You can have plant proteins, avoid nuts, beans, and also avoid sweets, cake, and caffeine as they worsen bloating symptoms.
An excerpt from the book, ‘The Five S3x Needs of Men and Women’, by Gary and Barbara Rosberg
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